Ask Michael Your Relationship Questions!

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I have been married now for nearly 10 years and I feel that my wife and I are just slowly posioning our relationship. She wants it to work and so do I. However, no matter what we do, we end up fighting. I have been faithful and I don't drink.

FIGHTING - It sounds like you have avoided two of the major challenges in many marriages:  substance abuse and infidelity.  Assuming there is nothing physical, what you describe is raised voices saying mean things.  The raised voices are the way we tell each other we are afraid that we are not being heard. Think about the tired parent yelling to the children, "stop screaming at each other!"    

The mean things we say are another story. Once we know someone well, we are well-armed with all of their secrets and know just where to go when we need to strike back.  We have very personal, private information. Using it in a fight comes under the "low blow" rule. You get a warning and then you are disqualified.  

So what to do? If you live with someone long enough, hard feelings are going to erupt.  It happens. If you make a habit of raising your voice and saying mean things, you are just digging a deeper hole. First, realize what is happening. You are hurt, she is hurt and, at best, you are acting like a couple of kids that cannot express themselves. When this happens to my children, I separate them and let them cool off. I would suggest the same for you and your wife. 

After 10 years, it is not at all uncommon for us to take each other for granted. What we used to love about each other is lost to a daily routine that seldom includes romance. When was your last date? How's the sex? I like to watch couples when I go out. Can you spot the ones that just met? If you start treating each other the way you did when you fell in love, you would be amazed how quickly the arguments fade. I have never had a couple divorce over not taking out the trash, but I have seen many problems develop over what was said.