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Eastern views of relationships place us in two general categories: The cleric and the householder. The cleric elects to live in a focused relationship with their higher power and the householder chooses a spouse. In both cases, we live, learn, and grow from our relationship. Certainly most clerics just like most householders enter into other relationships but the primary relationship is a dedicated teacher. Every day our partner is providing us with continuing opportunities for self-discovery and wisdom. The next time your relationship troubles you, consider looking for gratitude as opposed to suffering in anger. Think of the time and challenges you will avoid the next time you have a disagreement that ends with, "thank you for helping me understand ..." Living in a relationship is a choice that ideally remains a positive experience. Remembering why you are together can be a big help during difficult times.
As I read the opening paragraph, I was thinking, "sounds great Michael but aren't you being overly optimistic?" I mean really, how practical is it to think that in a real life battle with your partner that one of you is going to back up and say, "Oh geez honey, I forgot that you are just here to help me heal my past. Thank you so much!" Yep, idealistic may be an understatement. On the other hand, we all know what can happen. One person gets stuck in being right and the whole thing blows up. As much as you might want to let go and end things before they boil over, we defend our position until a cold war breaks out. I hate that...first, one of you says something that you absolutely know you are going to regret just to shut the other person up. This is where things can get particularly nasty when you start using something that is very personal and you are positive is going to hurt the other person. As we get closer, we share things with each other in confidence that should never come up in an argument and yet we take out a dagger and bang...your partner takes a verbal punch to the stomach that knocks the wind right out of them. So, maybe I am idealistic about my approach to resolving this but I would much prefer to avoid blasting my partner even if I have to exaggerate the cure.
Exaggerate The Cure
Exaggerate the cure? Yes, in order to break a habit my advice is to get beyond our practiced behavior and do something different. Here's my thoughts on exaggerate the cure. At one time, I wanted to learn to play golf. I started stopping at a driving range that was on my way home from work and pounding out a bucket or two of golf balls every evening. I'm thinking if I do this enough, sooner or later that ball is going to fly straight. I was basing my thinking on the old, practice makes perfect. Golf is a great game. People will go out and hit ball after ball because one time, their swing connected perfectly with the ball and the feeling is awesome. You do not feel the ball hit the club at all. When you hit the sweet spot, that sucker takes off with this beautiful arc that allows you enough time to stand there in that pose you see on television and watch the ball as it bounces in the middle of the fairway and rolls to a stop in direct line from where you are standing. You try not to look around but every part of you wants someone to see just how perfectly you hit that shot. In that moment, you have this feeling that you will then seek to duplicate with how ever many balls it takes to do it again. Trouble is, without the proper technique, you could be hitting a lot of golf balls before that ever happens again. No matter because you can hold on to that memory for quite a while. By the way, this is the reason you see so many people on a golf course that have very little skill. They are all out there trying to find the swing that hit that perfect shot.
Anyway, I'm standing out there hitting ball after ball and the club pro comes over to me and says hello. When I think back on this, the whole thing cracks me up because this whole scene is played out in the movie, The Legend of Bagger Vance. In the movie, Matt Damon, playing the part of a struggling professional player is hacking ball after ball from a tee box in all directions...well, all directions with the exception of straight. Up the fairway comes Will Smith, playing the part of the magical, mentor caddie, and he is in direct line with Damon as he is hitting the ball. As he gets closer and closer, Damon chides him, "you shouldn't walk in the middle of the course, especially when someone is hitting balls in your direction." Smith smiles and says, "well yes, generally speaking that might be the case but based on the way you are hitting the ball, I figured the middle of the course was the safest place." (ok, these are my words but you get the idea). Like me, Damon could not get the ball to go straight no matter what he did or how many balls he hit. We had both failed to remember that practice does not make perfect...perfect practice makes perfect.
It is not a matter of how hard or how much you practice but how you practice that makes the difference. Use an improper swing a hundred times and the only thing you are going to perfect is a useless swing! In my case, the club pro asks me if I would like some tips on my swing and hey, I'm open to free advice so I say, "sure." He tees up a few balls and watches me swing and then gives me a couple of pointers and asks me to hit the ball again. He changed my grip a bit and altered my stance and slowed down my swing and I hit a ball and wow...the ball goes right down the middle. "How did that feel," he asks me. "Well, it felt great to see the ball go like that but the actual swing felt awkward." This guy looks at me in amazement and says, "well, I would certainly hope so...the boys and I were up in the club house watching you and based on the way you were hitting the ball, I would think hitting it right would feel very strange to you." Ok, I had to think on that one for a minute. Was he saying that I was putting on quite a show for all the locals? Ugh.
You probably were starting to wonder where I was going with all of this but I am now back to exaggerate the cure. In order for me to hit the ball correctly, I needed to make more than a little adjustment...I had to exaggerate the cure. What I eventually found out was that in order to hit the ball right, I had to do more than a skilled golfer would do when they run into a challenge. My swing was so far off that I had to exaggerate the correction in order to even get close to doing it right and this was one reason the right swing felt so strange...the instructor moved my grip further around than necessary and made a few more aggressive changes so that as I started to slip back into my old habits that the compromise just might leave me somewhere in the middle between way wrong and the over correction - he had me exaggerate the cure. I have since used this notion in all kinds of sports but more important, I started using it to correct my relationships and communication behavior because just like my unlearned golf swing, the way I acted around my wife was, at times, down righ embarassing.
On Being Right
This is why the response I am suggesting when times are tight may sound overboard...it is supposed to be overkill. You do have to be cautious, however, because you need to be sure your advice comes from a reputable resource. One reason the golf ball went straight was due to the skill of the instructor..no need to get stuck with more "imperfect practice." In this case, I promise not to suggest anything to you that I have not tried myself and used over a period of time with successful results. Some of this, however, is not brain surgery. I mean it does not take a genius to figure out that saying mean things is a bad way to behave. We all know this but we get hung up in the "being right" thing and this is the cause of many relationship problems. Had I hung on to the idea that if I just kept showing up at the practice range and hitting a bunch of balls the wrong way, my time on the golf course would never have a chance at being enjoyable. Same thing goes for relationships...hang on to bad habits and I promise you some tough days.
For now, I want to leave you with the best insight I have found about being right. I have heard Wayne Dyer recite this poem by Valerie Cox many times in his seminars and now share it mine regularly. Please take a moment, read the poem and then let me know what you think about all of this. I would like to hear from you.
A woman was waiting at an airport one night
With several long hours before her flight
She hunted for a book in the airport shop
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop
She was engrossed in her book but happened to see
That the man beside her as bold as could be
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between
Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene
She munched cookies and watched the clock
As this gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by
Thinking "If I wasn't so nice I'd blacken his eye"
With each cookie she took he took one too
And when only one was left she wondered what he'd do
With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh
He took the last cookie and broke it in half
He offered her half as he ate the other
She snatched it from him and thought "Oh brother
This guy has some nerve and he's also rude
Why he didn't even show any gratitude"
She had never known when she had been so galled
And sighed with relief when her flight was called
She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate
Refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate
She boarded the plane and sank in her seat
Then sought her book which was almost complete
As she reached in her baggage she gasped with surprise
There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes
"If mine are here" she moaned with despair
"Then the others were his and he tried to share"
"Too late to apologize she realized with grief"
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief
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